 |
|
How couples can overcome crisis…
And come
out stronger than before
|
Every couple goes through a
crisis. Death, serious injury, foreclosure, and other major traumas,
challenges, and setbacks can happen at any time, with or without warning. The
trick is how you cope with it. Separation and divorce are often the result of
crisis, which is yet another crisis in itself.
What it takes to overcome a
crisis is perseverance while you let go and let step by step, day by day
move you towards resolution.
In every case, even though
a couple thought they had planned their future, something unexpected is always
going to happen. They have to accept it, forgive if one is more to blame, and
commit to get through it together - no matter how long it takes.
If you're a couple in crisis thinking about separation or divorce,
this could be one of the more important articles you'll read. Share it with
your partner and take the 5 to 6 minutes it will take to read every word of
this valuable advice from a licensed professional counselor of 20+ years
working with relationships.
Step One
|
As a
couple in crisis, your first priority right now as a couple is simply to get
through each day. The focus right now must be on how you both can turn toward
(or if you like - embrace) each other during this time. In fact if you don't at
least make a concerted effort to turn to your partner, the odds are very grave
concerning whether you will remain a couple.
As bleak as that sounds,
the good news is there is hope. It is possible to overcome your current crisis,
avoid separation and divorce, and have a relationship that actually benefits
from your current set of circumstances (although crisis is not the way you'd
choose to bring you closer).
|
|
Was your crisis preventable or not?
The answer determines how you
will start to resolve it.
|
The best way to determine whether your situation is something that
was totally unpreventable is to imagine, knowing what you know now and being
allowed to go back in time one month before your crisis occurred, if there was
anything that you knew then that would have prevented the tragedy to occur.
Simply ask yourself if there was anything you ignored or should have paid
attention to.
The primary area to focus on with unpreventable crises is
that there was nothing you could have done, rather than spending months or
years perseverating over what might had done if you'd only know. With this type
of crisis, the true healing begins once each of you accepts your loss and gives
yourself permission to grieve. You have experienced a true loss and it is
suppose to hurt.
On the other hand are those situations that involve
one person who was more of the driving force and a partner that was aware of
their choices, but didn't do anything; or decided that fighting about them
wasn't worth it. Once a crisis develops from poor choices, then the partner who
feared the consequences of those choices feels vindicated.
If you are
the person who is mostly at fault, there is an extra step of taking
responsibility for your actions (or inactions), admitting that you have learned
from your mistakes, and that in the future, you will plan on the unexpected
happening instead of simply hoping that it does not. The reason for taking
responsibility isn't for the purposes of blaming; rather it's to move on to a
resolution as quickly as possible. During a crisis, each partner needs to know
that they are understood by the other and accepted within the partnership.
|
Men and Women Handle
Stress Differently
|
It is
important to understand and work with the other's predisposed way of dealing
with a crisis. In short, men handle stress by minimizing and women cope with
stress through empathizing.
|
Women under stress EMPATHIZE
|
Inside a woman's mind, they use both sides of their brains - at the
same time - which means they can't help but notice everything. It isn't that
they mean to be picky or a nag; it's that they can't help but notice.
When a woman is under stress, she can't simply ignore what is
distressing her. She doesn't have the ability, like a man, to simply put her
feelings in a box and deal with them later. They consume her and they must be
dealt with and the best method for her to do that is by sharing her feelings
with someone else. Through the process of verbally processing all that she is
experiencing, she finds relief.
This is why it is so important for most
women to understand why something happened. It gives them more information so
that they feel they can understand why the crisis won't happen again. Just
telling her "trust me" without her understanding exactly why it's going to be
different is really asking a lot. In fact it rarely works because she's not a
man.
|
Men under stress MINIMIZE
|
Have you ever noticed that when you speak to the man you love, it
appears that he isn't listening? Or that when he's in the middle of a project,
he can't seem to focus on anything else?
With most women, hardly any
one thing gets their undivided attention. But with men, only one thing gets
their attention at a time. For men, feelings get in the way of a resolution.
For women, they are the way to the resolution. So when a crisis occurs, a man
knows he only has so much space available in his brain to deal with the problem
and he is thus very selective about what he gives his attention to. This is why
men often need to be left alone to "figure out" how to fix a problem.
With such entirely different styles of processing, how is a couple
possibly supposed to resolve something as major as a crisis? Actually, the
differences can serve to benefit each partner … if they choose to allow
it.
Men need to experience both sides of their brains more than they
typically do and women usually need help not being at the mercy of their
feelings. Both need practice in not over using their unique gift in how they
handle stress.
|
Getting through your crisis together
|
Right now, your goal is simply to hold and cease anything stressful
that isn't absolutely necessary to resolve your circumstances. To do this, some
structure will actually be helpful.
You can begin with this exercise:
Each day (or every other day if you wish) set aside 20 minutes to talk.
Here are the guidelines: Each person gets one minute to speak. Not one second
longer. At the end of the minute, you must stop whether you are in the middle
of a thought or not.
What you are not allowed to do: Cannot raise your
voice, cannot speak fast, cannot ask questions. You are only allowed to share
and you must do so in a safe and non threatening manner.
What can you
talk about? Anything you want. Your day, what you're feeling at the moment, or
if you like, you can just sit there quietly. It's your minute to have your
partner's undivided attention; which brings us to their instructions.
Listener instructions: Sit and look at your partner and do not give ANY
facial reactions. No winces, laughs, or eye rolling. Nothing. Your job is
simply to listen and pay attention. That's it.
Can you ask questions?
No. Just listen for one minute. Then, once the minute is done, trade roles. The
speaker becomes the listener with the same guidelines. Speak for one minute
within the same framework.
As a couple do this back and forth for 10-20
minutes. Sounds simple right? It is but what you might be missing is that it's
powerful.
Most couples don't realize the power they have to heal
themselves. Most couples don't try, and when they do, they don't try long
enough. If you follow through with this exercise, within two weeks you should
notice a difference in your relationship. When your partner feels that you
understand them, they are naturally more inclined to feel this way toward you.
Finally, if all you do is focus on solving the problem, you will
eventually collapse from the strain of your circumstances. Overcoming a crisis
is a process that often takes months or sometimes years to overcome. Without
some time for fun and pleasure, you won't be able to withstand the strain that
will surely bring you down.
|
About the author:
|
This article is an excerpt from an eBook called Couples in Crisis,
which is devoted to helping people keep their relationships intact through
crisis. It was written by Bob Grant, known as the "Relationship Doctor" and
Elin Bullmann, whose downloadable eBook titled, "How to SURVIVE Foreclosure -
or AVOID it Altogether" gives homeowners advice from over seven experts,
including Bob Grant, on how to deal with and cut their losses during and after
foreclosure - from a financial, legal, tax, mortgage, credit, and personal
standpoint. "Couples in Crisis" is offered as a free download inside Bullmann's
eBook.
To learn how to get through foreclosure with the least amount of
pain and loss, please visit www.SurviveYourForeclosure.com.
|
|
| Copyright The Write Effect LLC 2008 All Rights Reserved |
|
|
